Prescient Yet Ridiculed Forecasters,

Today’s soundtrack: Kiss, “Rock And Roll Over”

Yeah, it’s time for the Knights In Satan’s Service. Having seen “Role Models” twice this week I feel it necessary to follow Cheap Trick’s lead and get my Kiss records out, if only to hear Paul Stanley sing “’cause ya ain’t enough lady to keep the Master satisfied.” It’s amazing: these guys wrote music for eleven-year-olds, yet every song was about fucking. A neat trick to pull off, and one that made sure they themselves could live like eleven-year-olds for the rest of their lives. Goddamn I wish I were Kiss.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now wondering, “what’s with the Friday posting bullshit?” This week tears the scab off of old wounds and gives you a reason to boil your mail. Episodes are always available here on the site and at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. iPod and Zune users can now subscribe right here on the site; go to the podcast page for fast and easy linkage. No more cutting and pasting for you folks. You…you’ve earned it.

A couple more things to bring to your attention; first, don’t forget to visit comedyfilmnerds.com, as the site just keeps getting more popular. Go now so you can tell everyone you were there in the beginning. Second, come see me, Jackie Kashian and Chris Mancini from comedyfilmnerds as we do the “Comics On Comics” show this Wednesday, Nov. 19. All the information you need is available at comicsoncomics.com; come out and watch us all try to out-dork one another. My money’s on Jackie in a walk.

Mike
11/14/08

Rushers To Judgment,

Today’s soundtrack: Steely Dan, “Citizen Steely Dan”

It’s amazing to me how well Steely Dan holds up. Oh, it’s definitely of its time, yet still seems to sound as if it was recorded yesterday. “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number” is one of the ten best songs ever recorded…but don’t just take my word for it. Here’s former Pittsburgh Pirate great Willie “Pops” Stargell’s take on all things Steely:

Unfortunately Willie passed away in April of 2001, so he’s unavailable for comment. I can only speculate how happy he was to have made it that far, living to see the Dan win four Grammy Awards in February of that year for their first studio album in twenty years, “Two Against Nature.” I dare say seeing that win rivaled any of his own triumphs, leading him to consider himself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Take that Lou Gehrig!

Yes, this entry is late, but the episode was not: new episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now holding himself back from typing what he really wanted to talk about. This week we deal with the election, angry mothers and why breakfast south of the border is a dicey proposition. Let’s be honest: ANYTHING south of the border is a dicey proposition. Breakfast just happens to be the thing we single out this week. Episodes are always available here on the site, as well as at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. For those of you looking to subscribe, head over to “The 40 Year Old Boy” page for new easy subscription links. One click of the mouse and just like that, my insanity is yours.

Keep visiting comedyfilmnerds.com, as I’ve just been informed they still want me to contribute; close call that was. Those who want to see me live can come to the Monday Night Tease burlesque extravaganza this Monday, November 10; head on over to mondaynighttease.com for all of the particulars.

I’ve also been asked by more than a few of you why some of the episodes have disappeared from iTunes. While I appreciate the new listeners I get every week, storage costs for keeping all of the episodes on the website were prohibitive, particularly with the current ban on hiring Mike Schmidt flourishing in Hollywood. I also hope to release a compilation, and felt that taking the episodes down would allow that idea to remain viable, at least in my addled brain. The world loves its free content, but my Wachovian and Capital One overlords tend to frown on the “No, really, downloads are increasing every week!” speech while moths fly out of my wallet.

Mike
11/5/08

Poll Watchers,

Today’s soundtrack: Harry Kalas & Chris Wheeler, “Phillies Win World Series”

As important as it is for me to shove my music choices down your throat, I’m setting my ego aside this week to bring you one of the best play-by-play voices of our generation as he gives voice to one of the happiest moments of my life. I don’t have kids, but I have my beautiful wife and a deep, passionate love of sports, particularly baseball. I also have all of you, and I thank you for tolerating me losing my mind over the Phillies the last few weeks. I appreciate your indulgence, and hope that mixing in the occasional glory hole story was enough to keep you entertained and sticking around. If not, the Phillies still won The World Series, and I’ll take solace in that.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now voting early, voting often. This week we have more of the aforementioned Phillies nonsense, as well as two minutes that I’m sure some people are not going to be happy about. Episodes are always streaming here on the site, as well as at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy.com. iPod users can subscribe in iTunes; go to iTunes and search either my name or “The 40 Year Old Boy”, hit “subscribe” and you’re in. Zuners, should head over to this link:

http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml

Comedyfilmnerds.com is also still fooling everybody; go check out what I had to say about Halloween. Oh, it’s not up yet, but it will be…hopefully before Halloween. I’m kind of behind.

Mike
10/29/08

For Those About To Rock,

Today’s Soundtrack: Queens Of The Stone Age, “Songs For The Deaf”

We choose today’s soundtrack for two reasons: because it’s an audio haymaker, and because of this video. “I’m never too drunk to fight.” Gorgeous. Saw Josh Homme do an acoustic set with Jesse Hughes from Eagles Of Death Metal; nobody threw anything, but the place was laid to waste by rock just the same.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now waiting patiently for the parade down Broad Street. This week we learn about friends I’ve made on my many travels, and why you can’t trust Miss America’s Dairyland. As always, episodes are streaming here on the site, as well as at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. You can subscribe in iTunes, or use this link to fill your Zune with happiness:

http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml

Comedyfilmnerds.com is still challenging all you know and love about the silver screen. I’ll have a piece up soon about Halloween, and why trick-or-treating is still Public Enemy #1 of the movie business. Theaters have candy too, you know.

Mike
10/22/08

National League Champions,

Today’s soundtrack: Holland, “Little Monsters”

Oh, Michael Batio. Before you changed your name to Michael Angelo and decided to shred ambidextrously, there was this album, an album I played so much I had to purchase it THREE times on cassette. Remember cassettes? How they’d get all stretchy and weird if you played them too much? No? I’m old, my friends, and I know I’m old because I’m using the phrase “my friends.” John McCain and I would like the Obamas to get off of America’s lawn anytime now. How is that man losing? What part of “A Hard Candy In Every Pocket” do you people not understand?

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” in Vegas this week, raging nightly against the apathy. This week deals with motion sickness and public embarrassments, both of which can leave you hanging your head. Episodes are always streaming here on the site, as well as at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy.com. iPod users can subscribe in iTunes; now, normally I’d provide a link to iTunes here, but I’m on the road and forgot the link at home. Just go to iTunes and search my name, or “The 40 Year Old Boy”. Then hit subscribe and you’re in. Zuners, you’re in luck…and that’s no doubt the first time you’ve ever heard that phrase. Anyway, here’s the link for you:

http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml

I let the link stand alone as a monument to the Zune user: Rebel, Maverick, Frequent Caller Of Customer Service.

If hearing my disembodied voice isn’t enough for you this week, come see me host the Monday Night Tease at the 3 Clubs in Hollywood Monday night, October 20th. All the information is available at mondaynighttease.com; come for the Mike, stay for the naked Lili…oh, who am I kidding? Come for the naked Lili, stay for the naked Lili.

Comedyfilmnerds.com also exists; go read the words I typed.

Mike
10/15/08

Atom-Bomb Bikinis,

Today’s soundtrack: Elliot Yamin, “Elliot Yamin”

Yes, that Elliot Yamin; c’mon, we all know the best artist never wins on that show. This album is awesome; in a related note, I discovered this week that I love a Jonas Brothers song as well. So, should I go the birthday clown route, or should I skip it and just immediately park my van by a schoolyard?

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now in the yard with a camera, waiting patiently for Kimbo Slice to show up. This week we gamble on condiments and put our faith in the charity of others. Episodes of the show are always streaming here on the site or over at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. If you have an iPod, subscribing in iTunes is your best bet. If you have a Zune, http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml is the place to go to fill its belly with over an hour of antics and shenanigans. Unfortunately hijinks are not included, as they aren’t yet Microsoft compatible. Maybe when Mojave comes out.

New column up right now at comedyfilmnerds.com; I turned in a second piece as well, which I’m sure they’ll post as soon as they recover from the shock/stop weeping from joy. Look for it this weekend, as I’m sure you won’t be able to enjoy your Sabbath without reading my homilies and bon mots.

Mike
10/8/08

Groove Masters,

Today’s soundtrack: Yes, “90125”

I love this album, and I always forget that it’s buried in my iPod. Did you know there were 15 different versions of the video for the song “Leave It”? Seeing as how the only differences between them were minimal visual effects that seems like 14 too many…but that didn’t stop my friends and I from staring at MTV, waiting for the video so we could keep track of how many versions we’d seen. Nothing much has changed at MTV, except now they show 15 different versions of an actual show, not just a video. I wonder what Godley and Crème could do for Spencer and Heidi?

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now basking in the glow of a Phillies triumph, while simultaneously worrying for the sanity of my Cub fan friends. A lot of eggs in the “This Is Our Year” basket. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things…but sometimes you have to get gang-raped by the Sisters for a hundred years before you find that out. C’mon Carlos, keep the city’s head out of the oven.

This week we find out that record keeping isn’t very efficient at some businesses, and that I’ve been drunk enough to turn down sex. There’s also some Hitler stuff, but that’s pretty much par for the course in this business. Podcasts are like the Best Documentary category at the Oscars: you need to have Hitler or gay content to have a chance at success. And if you’ve got Gay Hitler content, just go ahead and clear off your mantelpiece, and may I applaud your foresight. First guy to put out a “Gay Hitler” podcast owes me a cut.

Episodes of the show are always streaming here on the site or at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. Subscribing in iTunes will guarantee that you get your episode the second it’s ready, which you’ll need if you want to keep up with the water cooler chatter at the office. If you don’t like water cooler talk (or talking to anybody for that matter), then buy a Zune. You won’t have time to talk to anybody, as you’ll spend most of your waking hours grumbling under your breath about how you should have purchased an iPod. However, you’ll need to put something in that Zune, so go here…

http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml.

Don’t forget that comedyfilmnerds.com is still telling you what to do; head over there and see if my brain has defeated my sloth.

Mike
10/1/08

Ass To Assers,

Today’s soundtrack: Ministry, “The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste”

The album that took Ministry from beret-wearing synth-pop purveyors to industrial metal Gods…or, in layman’s terms, the album that took Ministry from guys who might be beaten up to guys who would do the beating up. Many a gas station graveyard shift was spent with this album at high-decibels, dreaming of the day I’d finally get to make it a soundtrack choice on my very own website…which means that I may have invented the Internet. Suck it Al Gore; looks like Ministry and I beat you to it.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now earning its explicit tag on iTunes. This week teaches us that no matter how hard and long you scrub, some stains just aren’t going away. You’ll also find a Darryl, a Donna and a Doreen. Oh, and a Dennis. And just like every other episode, you’ll also find a dick. And you have no idea how proud I am of myself for thinking of that. Actually, if you listen to the show, you probably do; I’m nothing if not a guy with a serious crush on himself.

Episodes of the show are always streaming here on the site, but if you want to look at a photo of me in a scarf while you’re listening, check out the stream at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. Remember: teacher says every time someone subscribes in iTunes, an angel gets an iPod. Teacher also says every time someone buys a Zune, our Lord eliminates a species from the earth; if you feel like making the wombat disappear forever, go here: http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml.

You make me sick.

Mike
9/24/08

David Bowie Date-Rapers,

Today’s soundtrack: The Afghan Whigs, “Gentlemen”

Let’s bust out a masterpiece from Greg Dulli this week, if only for this lyric from “Debonair”:

“I’m not the man my actions would suggest.”

Oh, if only that were true…actually, I prefer this verse from the same song:

“This ain’t about regret
My conscience can’t be found
This time I won’t repent
Somebody’s going down”

Hear, hear. If you live on the east coast you can see this kind of brilliance live in November, as Dulli’s new project The Gutter Twins (with Mark Lanegan, another genius) will be playing select club dates. Go tell him I sent you, then realize by his puzzled reaction that he has no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now waiting patiently for his server at Outback to bring the bread he requested almost seven minutes ago. This week we learn which member of Kiss I was, and which legendary crooner’s fan I’m not. Episodes are always streaming here on the site and at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. iPodophiles can subscribe through iTunes, and Zuneapaloozers can feed all they want at http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml.

Sadly, Walkmaniacs are out of luck.

Mike
9/17/08

Stunned Onlookers,

Today’s soundtrack: INXS, “Switch”

Let’s drop all the way back to 2005 for some seriously underrated INXS action. Michael Hutchence fans and casual observers never gave this album a chance, calling it the bastard product of a reality show from a band grasping at the final straw of a last chance. While all that may have been true, the album is great and the tour was even better. Now when I go to the INXS website for information on new music, I’m forced to read guitar player Kirk’s tedious journal about what he had for lunch that day. Awful.

By the way, I had a chicken sandwich this afternoon.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now wondering if you put lipstick on a pig, will anybody notice the pig has no plan for rejuvenating the economy? This week gets all gastronomic on you, as the glory days of yore are mined for more tales of a troubled past…which is a fancy way of saying I didn’t do anything last week worth talking about. The episode is streaming your way here on the site, as well as at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. Subscribing in iTunes is always welcomed, and filling your Zune with the show seems like a worthwhile way to spend a few minutes…or a day and a half, I don’t know how long it takes those things to work. The feed is located here: http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml. While you’re there ask Switchpod why they kept cutting the last six minutes off of the show this week; evidently I’m not the only one who thinks things might be getting a bit lengthy. Also, the title of this week’s show may look like a typo, but in reality it’s Switchpod deciding not to recognize an apostrophe in the show description. Wouldn’t it be great if Switchpod was somehow punished for these transgressions? I think it would.

Don’t forget Never Not Funny Season 1 is available; click the store link on the front page. Comedyfilmnerds.com is also still buzzing in your ear; why not visit over there and swat that fly?

Mike
9/10/08